Harry Pothead and the Chamber of Blunts
by Madam Jinx
Summary: rated for swearing and drug abuse. Slashes EVERYTHING! Takes place at Hogwarts where the Blunt Man has stolen Harry's Bag o' Weed. The South Park kids join in to help. Starts off kinda bad, but please keep reading, It gets better.
1. Dude!

**DISCLAIMER:** I am Madam Jinx (AKA: Shastel). This story was originally created by Brandon Anderson. But Ashley B, Jaime A, Tyler B., and myself all contributed ideas.  
Nobody owns anything, cause when you die you can't take it with you. But for this lifetime, J.K.R owns Harry Potter and all the other characters from her books mentioned here, McDonalds own The scary clown-and they can keep him, and Matt "Stoned" Stone and Trey "Parked Car" Parkerown South Park.

I own me… Brandon owns a bag of weed…and my brother smells like poo. So please enjoy the story we wrote and put a lot of effort in and worked really hard on and went through all the trouble to type it up and paste it on this site, but we still don't own…what a world….

ENJOY!

The Ten Commandments of the Chamber of Blunts

1. Thou shalt be American, not British.

2. Hogwarts shalt not be a school.

3. Hogwarts shalt be a place where kids live and smoke pot, take ecstasy, and have acid trips.

4. The Blunt Man shalt be a play off of Voldemort.

5. Everyone shalt get high.

6. Everyone shalt enjoy getting high.

7. Hermione shalt still be smart, though high.

8. Everyone who is not at Hogwarts shalt think it is a juvenile detention facility.

9. Thou shalt not steal another's weed bag.

10. Thou shalt do whatever the hell thou wants-except steal another's weed bag, hate pot, or be British.

**HARRY POTHEAD AND THE CHAMBER OF BLUNTS!**

Chapter One: Dude, Where's My Weed?

It's another one of those boring ass day at WartHogs…I'm sorry Hogwarts. (What a stupid name) Anyway, Harry Pothead, Hermione Stranger, Brandon Anderson, and Ronald McDonald…(sorry Ronald Weasel) were all sitting under the Whipping Willow, which was so drunk, he tied his branches in a knot…again.

Harry Pothead was sniffing through his prized bag of weed. He had his head buried so deep in the burlap sack, it was amazing he could even breathe.

"Hey, Harry, give it a rest will you? You gotta take a break sometime." Ron yawned as he sat picking his teeth with a stick.

"He's right you know." Hermione stated. "Prolonged usage of weed may make your powers weaker, or even worse, you could lose you power."

Harry lifted his head out of the bag, a snippet of plant sticking out of his nose. "You sure do talk a big show for a chick that smokes as much as you." He babbled. He tried to stand up but fell over laughing. The group busted up in a riot.

"Damn you're _high_-larious Pothead." Brandon, the new kid, laughed. The kids busted up again, Hermione snorted like a pig and Ron admitted he crapped his pants.

"Hey, isn't this place cool?" Brandon asked looking around. All he saw was crazy colors and pink elephants. "_Awesome_…..." he pulled a mangled blunt from his pocket and lit it.

_**THREE HOURS LATER**_

Brandon: "Man, I am so fuckin' stoned."

Harry: "I have no idea what's goin' on"

Hermione: "E equals mmm… pie. triangle? _square_?"

Ron: Who you callin' a square?"

Towelie: "Don't forget to bring a towel."

All: WHAT?

Towelie: When you get high, you have to bring a towel

All: For What?

Towelie: um, I can't remember ………………….You wana get high 'gain?

All: sigh…..

Narrator: Just then, Harry realizes his bag of weed is gone!

Harry: I just realized….My bag of weed is _gone_!

All except Towelie: Gasp!

Towelie: Ha! Huh? Oh, man… I have no idea what's goin' on…

Harry: Guys, this isn't cool man…huh cool…Dude, where my weed man…c'mon…where's it? C'mon….man…dude….seriously…c'mon….damn….it…..


	2. Who The?

**DISCLAIMER: **I hope Chapter One was ok. It was kind of short what with the Ten Commandments, and the disclaimer. Also, I forgot to mention, Brandon also owns more than a bag of weed, he owns all the girls in our school-PIMP- So that covers anyone I may have forgotten to mention (Damn weed) just kidding…anyway. This chapter will make no more sense than the last one….I hate confusing stupid people….no offence of course…

Like always everyone owns what they know they own, no posers…yada yada yada….

Chapter Two: Who the Fuck is "Blunt Man"?

The kids looked everywhere for Harry's bag of weed, but they couldn't find it anywhere.

Hermione: It's not behind the bushes

Ron: And it's not inside my ear

Brandon: Stop with the fuckin' Dr. Seuss shit you goddamn queer.

"I think it's time to go get some help." Harry finally stopped digging in the trash can, a rotten banana peel hung from his ear. "Maybe your right Harry." Hermione said trying not to puke from the smell of rancid Flubber-Fish guts that covered Harry.

Walking back to the castle never seemed to take this long. "Man, I'm sleepy" Brandon yawned. "Yeah…me too." Hermione just realized. Before ten second passed, all five of them were fast asleep on the grass.

SEVEN HOURS LATER

Harry was the first to awake, now, being so long without a drag of anything, he became PISSED OFF POTHEAD! "Goddamn it son of a bitchin' mother fuckin' cheap ass dick sucking pussy lickin' goody two shoes strutting fat butted bastards---WAKE UP!" He kick them all in the side, breaking Hermione's three left ribs, which she quickly fixed with a spell, then rushed Pothead and beat him into the dirt. She spit on him and called him a "sober".

Ron gasped at the word his best friends girlfriend said. "You called you boyfriend the "S" word?" Ron exclaimed to Hermione as she brushed the dirt off her hot pink tube top and leather mini skirt.

"You god damn right I did. Every time that son of a bitch gets sober, he becomes the BIGGEST asshole in the world." She turned to face her lover, pulled him up with one arm, then smacked him in the face.

"C'mon you little fuckin' sober, we gotta get you doped up or drunk before I kill you."

As the group finished their brisk walk to the front doors, they spotted a black, '74 Thunderbird convertible being driven up the driveway. In it was not other that Hagrid the Haggler. Hagrid supplied all the weed to Hogwarts, and he always gave his Hammers deals. (By Hammers I mean of course his friends. Hagrid called them hammers because anyone who knew him that well had to always be hammered.) As the hot rod blaring Snoop Dog rolled past, the five caught a glimpse of no less than 10 burlap sacks filled with the yummy chronic.

Hagrid waved and went off to the barn behind his hut to ration it off for wanabe stoners willing to pay absolutely nothing for a one pound bag. If you wanted more than one pound a week, it'd cost you a sickle per pound for each pound after your freebie, which is why even Ron could afford the yummy, yummy goods.

When they finally got into the castle and up to "Dumbledork's Pot smoking Hippie Room" it was nearly dark out. But of course Dumbledork was there, puffin' on a six inch blunt. Though years beyond senile, the man in a blue robe jumped up and ran to the kids, his long white hair trailing 4 feet behind him.

Harry stood with his arms crossed in his denim vest with cut off sleeves and sagging black jeans that allowed all the girls to stare at three inches of his green and white checkered boxers. He had lost the need for his glasses long ago when, after breaking his glasses…again, he yelled FUCK IT, pointed his wand a his eyes and zapped himself with perfect vision. His hair was still a mess through, and through all the fights he got in a Hogwarts, his arms were more muscular too.

There he stood, juvenile delinquent of the century, sporting a hella bad attitude. (you gotta love him…) While this one hundred and twenty something' year old gave him a hug. "What up Hommies?" the crazed hippie called, ghetto shakin' all their hands.

Before he got five words out on a topic about big screen TVs, Brandon cleared his throat causing Dumbledork to turn and look at him, like a stoner…

Shaking his head slightly, Brandon casually pushed Harry forward, shoved his hands in the black hoodie, and leaned against the brick wall.

Harry stood they for a minute, trying to figure out how to put the words, finally he thought "fuck it", and asked, "Dumbledork, someone stole my weed, can you find out who did it." "Yeah, I already know who it is." The man had now officially gone supper senile. "And…who would that be…" Ron asked suspiciously.

"The Blunt Man, of course." Dumbledork answered taking other drag.

"Who the fuck is the Blunt Man?" Harry yelled.


	3. Huh?

DISCLAIMER: I'm really board so I guess I'll write Chapter 3. I don't know why nobody is reviewing my stuff…It makes me sad though….sniffles _please _review!  
As always I don't own nothing…

**Chapter Three: Who the Fuck the Blunt Man is**

Dumbledork stared stupidly at the boy for about two minutes before Harry slapped the old man and repeated the question. "Yo, I said who the fuck is the Blunt Man?" Again the man didn't seem to register…then he snapped out of it suddenly. "Thank you Hermione." He said as she rearranged her tube top.

Brandon second blinked, did she just do what he thought she did? "No problem. It works every time." She popped a piece of gum in her mouth. Ron stared at her like she was nuts. Towelie yelled "DAMN GIRL!" and took another drag of his last blunt. Harry thought "What a fuckin' slut. I can't believe I'm actually DATING that broad."

He turned back to Dumbledork and demanded he say who the Blunt Man was. Dumbledork thought for a minute, rubbed his head in frustration and finally gave up. "You kids better go talk to Ms. McDonald Gall." She's better at remembering stuff then I am.

"How the fuck could you fucking forget who the fuck a fuckin' guy is that's fuckin' stealing peoples fucking weed you fuckin' fuck fucker!" Harry stormed the old man and prepared to kill him with his bare hands before Brandon casually strolled over and ripped Harry off the poor guy, chucking the kid against the wall. "Come on Pothead," Brandon drawled. "Lets go talk to Ms. McDonald Gall." He picked the boy up with one arm.

After stuffing his hands back inside his hoodie, Brandon turned to Dumbledork and asked him where this McDonald Gall lady would be. "She's usually down watching the wet T-shirt contests on the third floor. "Wait a sec." Harry rubbed his jaw. "Is she a lez or somethin'?" "Well…yes." Dumbledork smiled slightly. Then without another word, the ancient sack of bones waddled his way back to his sofa piled with Playboy magazines.

The kids decided to take their leave as watching an old man jack off to worn porno mags with the thought of lesbians on his mind did not appeal to any off them.

Walking through the halls during the day was like being at school at night. Everyone was either gone, sleeping or in one of the many rooms doing stuff. (Not necessarily sex either.) Their were hot tub rooms…saunas…mud wrestling, boxing, strip clubs, shopping areas, bars, dance halls, and of course, the wet T-shirt competition held once every hour.

Hogwarts was like a night club that ran 24 hours a day. And because everyone was either high or drunk the magic kids who dropped out of magic school could use their powers. It was always fun. Their were some muggles there, but most of the attendants were from magical school. Of coarse, if they were there…they wouldn't be in a magical school.

The kids entered the third floor and their footsteps echoed down the hollow corridor. The entered the room with the graffiti words WET T-SHIRT COMPITION scrawled above the door. Techno music blasted and strobe lights flashed. The air was thick with the smell of smoke and booze.

It wasn't more then two minutes before Hermione had gotten a handful of freshly rolled blunts. She left the group of men wide eyes and hung like bulls. "Here you go guys" She held her hands out as the men swarmed her for the crazy chronics. Harry was really getting ready to knock that bitch out for ogling her goodies to every slack jawed mother fucker in the building….he took a drag….AND THEN… la la la la la la la la …it's amazing how one drag stopped all line of thought in Harry's fucked up head…

The kids, now happy cause of weed, strutted through the smoke filled room as men hooted and cat called the girls in white tops getting hosed down with supper soaker squirt guns. It came at no surprise to see a young woman with lime green hair wearing a hot pink mini skirt and a black tank top chanting along with the guys. Brandon motioned his head over to her and Harry walked up, touched her on the shoulder and asked, "Are you McDonald Gall?"


	4. He had a Kid?

**DISCLAIMER**: This one's a bit longer then the others, please enjoy, I actually put some thought into THIS one. : ) I don't own Harry Potter, Snoop Dog, The Godfather, or South Park. : (

**Chapter Four: The Blunt Man's Daughter**

The woman stopped and looked at the kids for a second. "Yes." She replied slowly. "Most just call me Kitty, though." She smiled. Towelie tried to stifle a laugh, but ended up commenting to Brandon and Hermione, "I've seen alota kitties in my day." Brandon nearly choked. Hermione simply said, "I have a kitty (Brandon choked again) Her name is Shaggers (more choking from Brandon) I pet her EVERY day." (Brandon is now on the floor choking to death with laughter.) Towelie put his hand over his eyes and shook his head.

When Brandon stopped laughing long enough to get up and stumble into the empty corridors with the rest of the group, Harry asked the woman. "Ok lady, that pot smokin' hippie, Dumbledork told us that you knew who the so called "Blunt Man" is…" But Harry was cut off by Kitty clamping her hand over his mouth--an earnest look in her eyes.

"Don't talk about HIM out loud like that." She whispered. "So you DO know who he is?" Ron spoke up. "Of course I know who he is dumb ass, he's my father." Five jaws simultaneously dropped to the floor. "Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… Whoa, now wait just one manizzle." Brandon shouted. "HE'S YOUR FUCKING FATHER?"

Kitty glared at him and yelled at the top of her lungs, "SHUT UP!" Then in a calm, quiet whisper she stated, "No one is supposed to know that. If anyone knew HE was MY father, EVERYONE would KILL me. Even that creep Dumbledork doesn't know THAT. He just thinks I know who he is, nothing else."

"Well, besides being your father, who is he? Where is he? Why the hell is he stealing all our weed?" Harry put his arm around Hermione and she rested her head on his shoulder. Brandon looked at the two and wanted to puke. Inside he was thinking, "Why the fuck would a hot… damn hot… chick like her wana be with…Harry. I mean, yeah he's my Gangsta bro, but what does Hermione see attractive about HIM?"

"My father is a fucking dick-lick. My mother was a hooker and they met behind a strip club. You think the club "Ass" is bad…HAH, G-rated compared to the shit my mother did." They never found out exactly what her mother did, because she continued after a gasp of air.

"Anyway, When I was 16 I was like "fuck it" I ain't living here no more, we actually lived where my mom worked. Long story short I, heard about Hogwarts, rented an apartment on the 13th floor, they're really cheap on that floor…can't imagine why." She scratched her head. Hermione wondered if she was being sarcastic or if she was serious. Again there was no time to ask because Kitty continued again with her constant babbling.

"So like everyone here I met Hagrid and the Perverted Hippie and soon I discovered the Chamber of Blunts." "The Chamber of Blunts?" Brandon asked. "Yeah, It's a huge room filled with bags of weed. When I stumbled upon it five years ago, I realized I found out where all the missing people's weed was ending up. There was another weed shortage then too. Another long story short, I found out the Blunt Man was my father. I found out he disowned me because he hated kids. When I asked him why he was stealing peoples weed he said he hated kids so he hated kids who had weed. He wanted weed more then any of them deserved it so he changed his name to the Blunt Man and started stealing people's weed for himself."

She paused again to catch some air. "Well," Ron started, scratching the back of his neck, "That sure does settle that." "What the hell are you talking about Ronald?" Hermione screeched. "Yeah, dumb ass." Harry chimed in. "All this means is that now WE have to go into the Chamber of Blunts and fight the Blunt Man so that not just us, but everyone at Hogwarts can get their weed back."

"Your right Harry." Brandon agreed. "I've seen you when your not on drugs, man you are fucking asshole!" He started laughing. Everyone else snickered with him, except Harry. The vain in his forehead looked ready to explode, splattering bloody blood all over the walls.

"Wait a minute kids, are you saying that you want to march into the Chamber of Blunts, Kill my bastard of a father, take the weed, and return it to everyone in Hogwarts?" Kitty's jaw was practically on the floor. "Yup." Brandon coolly commented. Kitty's jaw was now planted to the floor.

It took a minute before she could compose her self. Then she had a wicked little thought. "Just how on earth do you think your going to defeat the Blunt Man children?" "Oh, we have our ways." Harry smiled pulling out his wand. Three other wands were held up in the air.

(the screen pans to Towelie.)

Towelie takes a drag of his weed. His eyes are bloodshot and his fluffy toweling is all matted and dirty. "Ha…dude…I…I have NO idea what's goin' on…hee hee hee…" Begins hacking, passes out. Hermione runs over to Towelie shaking him, trying to wake him up, all while cussing him out in the process.

Four sighs were heard, the Kitty continued with her insults. "You kids are really stupid aren't you? DUH! The Blunt Man is impervious to magic. If he wasn't I would have killed him the day I met him, morons." She whipped out a mahogany wand that looked new. "If you want to stop him THAT badly, I suggest you go see Señor Draco Corleone."

"Who the hell is he?" Hermione looked up. "If you could show a LITTLE respect missy, he is the head of the Hogwarts Mafia. Draco is who keeps this place from self-distrusting. Now if you please, I have a wet T-shit contest to get back to. If you have anymore questions I highly suggest you talk to him. His office is on the sixth floor. You can't miss his door, you'll see what I mean when you get there. Goodbye." With those words she entered the Wet T-shirt room leaving the four kids and a passed out towel in the empty corridors.

"I think we can pull this off." Ron stated sadly, slumping to the floor.

"Harry, where are you going?" Hermione asked. Several yards down the hall Harry was making his way to the stairs.

"I'm not giving up, that lady's a bitch, I don't know about you fucks, but I'm going to see this Draco character now. I want my fuckin' weed."

Since no one wanted Harry to go through another one of his "pissed off" episodes, they eagerly followed him up the stairs to the sixth floor.


	5. Breakup

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own squat. Especially The Godfather, who, if I keep writing like this, will make me an offer I can't refuse… scratches neck nervously…big gulp So, while I'm still alive, please enjoy the next chapter.

call 911

**CHAPTER FIVE: The Hallway Breakup**

"This is it?" Ron asked as the four children and towel stared at a brightly polished cherry wood door with a small golden plaque reading:

* * *

Don Draco Corleone  
We'll make him a blunt he _can't _refuse

* * *

"Well, Kitty did say it'd be hard to miss." Harry pointed out. "Yeah, umm are you sure you wana go through with this…?" Hermione asked glancing at the walls. "He must be real tough if there's no graffiti within fifteen feet of his door frame." That was obviously a very interesting fact, considering this was the Hogwarts Mafia Don's office.

"Do you want the Blunt Man to get away with all this stealing?" Harry asked. "Yeah Hermy," Brandon continued. "Don't forget the ninth commandment:"

"Thou shalt not steal another's weed bag." Harry finished. Brandon eyed the boy who cut into his information services.

"Christ Hermione, we HAVE to get my weed back……….and the other peoples too." Harry yelled. Then he muttered under his breath, "Stupid bitch." Brandon couldn't believe this. Yeah Hermione could be a ditz sometimes, but this was just a little over board. Harry was treating her like shit….and Hermione was too damn hot to be treated like shit.

"You should be a bit nicer to your girlfriend Harry." Brandon Commented. "FUCK YOU BRANDON!" Harry yelled. "She's my ho, not yours." This time Hermione spoke up. "Hang one just one goddamn minute." She slammed Harry against the brick wall rattling the office door so much Ron thought the Don himself would come out with a .22 and well…. Not a pretty sight.

"I AM NO ONES FUCKIN' HO YOU COCK SUCKING SON OF A BITCH." She slammed the punk's head into the wall. Brandon tried not to laugh and thought "good for her." 'bout time she beat the shit out of him….again. Harry saw spots from that point on. Several more times he found his head being smashed into the wall. Until Brandon finally pried her away from him. (not until several minutes later though.) and calmed her down enough for Harry to cast a healing spell on himself before the concussion set in.

"I hope you realize, POTHEAD, that we are through!" She yelled, Brandon holding her back from inflicting more damage as she unleashed a new wave of fury on the Boy-Who-Called-Himself-A-Pimp. " Hold it bitch!" He yelled back. "You can't break up with me. You're MY girlfriend." "Not anymore dick head." She huffed. voices chanting Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, could presently be heard in the background."

The two argued back and forth for several more minutes before they finally calmed down enough to enter the office. Ron suggested they should knock…or better yet run away and never look back. But Harry was in his Pissed Off phase again, so Ron had no choice but to slowly drag himself through the doorway.

Inside was a lavishly decorated room. With several chairs and couches, all made of leather. There were a few trees, fake probably. And a window that took up one whole wall making the room an astrologists dream as it was a very starry night out tonight.

Smack dab in front of the window was a large cherry wood desk. A leather arm chair sat behind it, its back to the children. The room appeared empty of life until they heard a small jingling. And a male voice asked, "Why do you insist on bothering me at such an early hour."

The chair turned around and a young man, about 25 or so, with blonde slicked hair and cold gray eyes, stared at him. He held a mixed drink in his hands, which explained the jingling, from the ice. The man in all ways resembled a perfectly clichéd Mob Boss. "And," Hermione thought, "he's hot too and I'm now single."


	6. Secret Stash

**DISCLAIMER**: Brandon gave this chapter his "Hell Yeah!" seal of approval.

Nothing. Aren't we all?

**CHAPTER SIX: THE DONS' SECRET STASH**

Hermionie's thoughts of ripping off the Don's pants and straddling him like a well groomed stallion were violently interrupted by her ex who's forehead vein looked ready to pop. "We need your help!" Harry practically screamed, the urge to call him an asshole and start bitch-smacking him was almost ready to break through.

The Don had coolly been sitting in his chair, half asleep, half annoyed by this Pothead boy. Yes, he had heard of him…honestly, who hadn't? He won the Midnight Orgies on every Sunday night for six weeks in a row, until he got herpes and decided to rest for a week…he had been a real pain in the…well…you know what I mean. We're talkin' Harry Pothead and one week without sex. Practically killed everyone including the Pothead himself.

Ron was nervous as ever and he stood shaking like a virgin, (touched for the very first time). Only, well, this was tad bit different…and the Don had no intentions of touching…Ron.

"I'm sick of intrusions." The Don spoke as he finished off his brandy. "Unless you got a better excuse then a stolen bag of pot leaves…"

But before the Don could finish, Ron, an idiot in many ways, threw himself to his knees and cried, "Yes sir, Yes sir! We'll leave right now, we're all REAL sorry for interrupting you! Please forgive us. Don't send your cronies on us….me… PLEASE!"

Hermione sadly shook he head, disgusted Ron called himself a man. Harry looked pissed. Brandon smacked his hand over his face and sighed. And Towelie to a drag of his last blunt, giggled, and said "I have no idea what's goin' on. Heeheeheehee! Cough cough cough Ha!"

The Don stood up and looked over his desk like Ron was a psycho, turned his head toward Brandon and asked, "Is he always like this?" Brandon replied, "Yes…….sadly." Hermione just shook her head and whispered, "Poor thing."

Harry looked down at Ron and plainly asked, "Ron, what the hell are you doing?" It was a this time that Ron realized how much of a dumbass he was and slowly got up.

"Um…ah…sorry 'bout that...uh...must, must be the weed…yeah…that's it! Ah ha ha ha...all sober and know weed make Ron a………"

"Dumbass." Hermione finished.

"Uh. Yeah."

Hermione decided it was time to take things into her own…hands…if you will. Her clothes were already sluty enough, all she need now was her red light district attitude. "Oh, please Mr. Mafia Don," Hermione moved behind the counted and stated feeling up the mob boss, something she'd been holding back since she laid her pretty little eyes on him.

"please don't be so fierce with all my friends. They're idiots. I'm sure your…people…and us could work SOMETHING out." She put one leg over the Dons knee and settled herself on his lap. "I'm sure WE could work something out." She half whispered into the Don's ear.

Hermione, filled with the excitement she was only a few seconds away from full blown, chandelier rattling, wake the fucking neighbors, hard core sex that she could practically FEEL it, Harry had to go and make a comment.

Hermione, you skanky slut! How dare you try to bang the Mafia Don."

"She doesn't really have to try." The Don spoke up. "Tell you what, you leave me and my new little lady friend alone and you boys can help yourselves to what I got behind that door.

He didn't have to point, from the second they all walked in, they noticed the solid black door with the white weed plant carved into it. "Jee, wonder what's behind there?" Ron thought sarcastically.

Sure enough it was a room stashed with porno mags, porno's, video games and of course several piles of weed and other blissful narcotics. Harry reached for a blunt, lit it up and was gone…The boys were so far off they didn't even notice the loud moans and screams coming from the office.

Or the four little boys sitting on the couch eating pretzels and Cheesy Poofs…


	7. Pothead Meets South Park

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own South Park (sorry to all fans bigger then I if I spelled rowshambow wrong). I don't own the Godfather, Or Playboy and Hustler magazines, sorry Brandon, no Freebies. These last few weeks me and my friends were discussing the politically correct spelling of the word "chaaa". I say three "a" s some people argue one, or four…whatever. Your comments are graciously appreciated.

Please enjoy the CRACK ROOM free to all hippies and wanabees. No loitering. Either smoke free crack or screw you guys...go home.

**CHAPTER SEVEN: Pothead Meets South Park **

Cartman: "Ha ha! I killed your guy Kyle. Gimmie the ten dollars you bet me."

Kyle: "Fuck you asshole, you fuckin' cheated."

Cartman: "Hey! I did nawt cheat. Naw you gimmie doz ten fuckin' dollars before I come over dere and kick your goddamn Jewish ass."

Kyle: "Stop calling me a goddamn Jew Cartman!"

Cartman: "All right, all right. Fuckin' pussy. I'll tell you what, I'll rowshambow ya for the ten dollars."

Kyle: "rowshambow?"

Cartman: "Yeah. See I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. We both go back and forth until one of us falls over. Here, I'll start."

Cartman kicks Kyle in the nuts, Kyle falls over screaming in pain, Kyle holds out a ten dollar bill while clutching his nuts.

Kyle: "I really fuckin' hate you Cartman."

Cartman laughs as he sticks the money in his wallet.

Cartman: "Yeah, I know"

About this time Harry Pothead, Ronald Weasel, Brandon Anderson, and Towelie noticed the boys.

Brandon: "Oh dude, It's the fuckin' kids from South Park. SWEET!"

Brandon high fives Kenny, they do a weird ghetto handshake thingy. Stan waves a short hello. Kyle gives a false smile, still hunched over on the floor holding his nuts. And Cartman, who noticed Towelie points and yells:

Cartman: "What the fuck are you doing hear?"

Kyle: "Yeah Towelie, I thought you were hiding from the CIA and Men In Black."

Brandon: "Well Duh! That's why he's HERE."

Harry: "Yeah, like Dumbledork always says:

All in a droned out tone, they have heard this a million times too many: "Hogwarts is the safest place on earth."

Towelie: "Awww….I just needed to get away from it all."

Harry hands Towelie and glass bong.

Harry: "Dis ill getcha far WAY from tall… Ahawhawhaw."

Everyone stared, slightly scared, at Harry.

Brandon: "Damn Pothead you're a SIEROUSLY fucked up man."

Suddenly the door to the room flies open. Hermione walks in, hair tousled, clothes in slight disarray, held around the waist by Draco who has a huge Cuban cigar in his mouth. Hermione see the pills on the other side of the room, graciously excuses herself and then enjoys a long, slow, passionate kiss from the Boss Man. He smacked her on the ass. And as she walked away was eyeing her up…and down…as she found her pretty colored beans, and began popping them down her throat.

Don: "Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that your hot… DAMN HOT…ahem…lady friend, has made ME an offer, and I COULDN'T refuse. If ya know what I mean."

The Don dose a double wink and Harry mutters under his breath.

Harry: "Whore."

The Don, obviously NOT hearing Harry's little comment continued, "Apparently there is a chamber underneath Hogworts filled to the brim with weed and other drugs, as Hermione has told me. I know that the place exists because it used to be a dance hall back in the 50s…"

"Wait a second," Harry interrupted. "The fifties? How old are you?" Hermione looked up for a second…let's see she's 17 and the Don is HOW OLD? (Hermione! I didn't know you went for wrinkles!)

"I'm sorry little Harry, but that's classified, If I told you, I'd have to kill you…" He reached into his tux and pulled out a 9mm pistol, "you don't want that, do you?" The Don smiled evilly.

"Our bad!" Ron spoke up. "Harry," he grabbed a hold of Harry's sleeve like a child does to their mothers skirt when she wants something. "Stop doing that!"

"Doing WHAT Ron?" Harry glared at him.

"You're gona piss him off and he's gona kill us!"

"Gawd dum it Rwon." Hermione said halfway through chewing a cheeseburger. "Guive it uppp, wiall you?"

Brandon was too busy talking with the South Park kids to notice what was going on, but he yelled anyways…"Ron, don't make me come over there and kick your ass…cause I'll do it."

After more rude comments and several cold glares at Ron for being a stupid question asking, dumbass comment making, 100 retarded retard, they stopped, the Don continued and Ron sat in a corner and cried mumbling comments about how he should just kill himself since no one loved him. (A/N: believe it or not but as a character in Harry Potter, I actually like Ron, but I had to pick on some one…and quite frankly, Ron _can _be a wimp.)

"Anyways", The Don continued. "I understand that you, Harry, want to go down in there an get your bag o' weed back, you too Brandon?"

"I'm goin' down there to return all the stolen weed to children and adults alike, Harry's just a selfish asshole." Brandon coolly stated.

There was a short pause, Harry was gona get pissed again and it was all Brandon's fault…god he was such a dumbass, now he had it coming…

Harry groaned and looked ready to grab the nearest lead pencil and stab Brandon to death with it…..but decided it better to play along, "Yup, that's me!"

"In that case, you boys"

"AHUM!" Hermione interrupted the Don.

"And girl, yes Hermione, I know from personal experience that you could give the Blunt Man a run for his money. You're all going to need weapons. So, what've you got?"

Hermione held out a condom (safety girl) and her wand. "Stick and a rubber, not bad." the Don approved, "Your looks are a deadly weapon too." She blushed.

Harry pulled out his wand. "That's it?" The Don asked. "Anybody gives me any problems, I'll kick their ass." "Whatever you say Harry." The Don sighed.

Brandon rolled up his sleeves and ran around the room screaming "Look at my muscles. I've got big muscles. See my muscles, Your muscles ain't as big as my muscles." (inside joke- Brandon will get it.)

Ron was still crying in the corner and Towelie took a drag of his blunt, Laughed and cried out, "I have NO idea what's goin on!"

The Don sighed again and smacked his hand over his face, slowly pulling it down his face until he was pulling on his chin. "Ok.." he said…the room got quiet all of a sudden. The Don reached into his suit and pulled out a chain watch. He unscrewed something from the side of it, which let the bottom of it pop open into a secret compartment. In this hole was a small key no longer then a thumbnail. Then he went into the closet by the TV and after rummaging around for a few minutes came back into the crack room and motioned the kids in.

Kyle: "Well, are we goin' in to?"

Stan: "I don't know dude, you think we should?"

Kyle: "Maybe, I wonder what's in there."

Kenny poked his head around the corner, and then looked back at the boys with wide eyes.

Kenny: "Holy shit guys. Mmmm mmsm m mm mm ssms ms mms smms and they're really big!"

Cartman smiled.

Cartman: "Are you sure Kenny?"

Kenny: "Mumhum."

Stan: "What did he say?"

Kyle: "He said that there is a room through a doorway and there are a bunch a really big machine guns in there."

Kenny: "They look pretty cool guys"

Cartman: "Well, then what the fuck are waiting' for, Lets go!"

The four little boys shuffle into the closet and through the secret door…..


	8. The Armory

A/N: here it is, the story is about half over…so enjoy. Oh, and (monotone) "I own nothing." enjoy!

**CHAPTER EIGHT: The Armory of Clichés, Rip Offs, and Confiscated Weapons **

Kyle: Holy shit dude!

Stan: Man, check out all these weapons.

Cartman: Check it out guys.

Cartman was pointing at the wall that had a little white sign saying "South Park Weapons"

Stan: That's weird…Hey look…OCAMA (sp?) Game Sphere! Stan disappears towards the wall.

Kyle: Is that a life size Mega Man suit? Kyle wanders over the heap of blue machinery.

Kenny: Wow! Kenny goes up to the ancient Japanese weapons and got the pot leaf shaped shikons (sp?) because they were only $10 and even HE could afford them.

The Hogworts kids were led through the vast room of weapons and arms from all over. There were the MIB guns, Stargate SG1 Zat guns and staff weapons, even Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth had a spot. There was all the magic things from Disney, and all the machines ever used by Warner Brothers. A shelf dedicated to the Final Fantasy video games and several closets of clothes, costumes and power suits.

The Don led the children past shelves piled with confiscated weapons from all the evil bad guys and good guys. Rows of tables with odd assortments of this-n-that and strange dohikies and whatchamacallits lined walls on which hung every clichéd horror movie weapon ever. Including The Hook and the Knife from Scream 1 and 3.

The knife from Scream 2 got stolen years ago…it was never found, but recent events have led officials into believing that the "little gray men" may have stolen it. The only question is, "what would the members of Congress want with the knife from Scream 2?"

The Don led the children up to a glass table from which large amounts of smoke billowed up from behind of. The Don, frustrated began to lean over the table, when all of a sudden…

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAW SHIT SON!" A black man, mid twenties with an afro raised up from behind the counter. The Don leaned back and Ron jumped asking "Oh bloody hell Hermione, what is it?" (FYI, this is not meant to be racist. Ron is a wimp and black peoples kick Ass! To the real "Shorty" you know who you are, I love you man! Keep it really real!)

"Shut it Ron, honestly, you are such a wimp!" Hermione whispered. (see, told ya.) The Don did not seem pleased, man he was a bitchy Don.

"Shorty?" Brandon's first word since entering the Armory. "Yo dawg what up?"

"Ah, shit son. Yo B. Randon dat you man?" The black guy squinted his eyes and took another drag of his blunt. "Well fuck my dick and call me raspberries. The King o' da Fuck has returned."

"B. Randon? King o' da Fuck?" Hermione raised an eyebrow. Taking this opportunity to impress the little wench, he cockily remarked. "Why, yes it is bitch. And I didn't get that last title from just skippin' rope." In a whispered voice, he added, "I had to play hop scotch too." Hermione giggled. Harry scowled. And the Don rolled his eyes and mouthed "skank" under his breath.

"Ok, Shorty, show these kids the weapons they need to defeat the Blunt Man." The Don pressed on with business, typical white male in corporate America…Thank god this wasn't corporate Britain. Damn Englandites. (I don't REALLY hate the British either, but it's in da rulz.)

"Ho' shit dude, man, you little smokies and smokettes goin' catch da Blunt Stealin' Man?" Shorty squinted over the glass counter, blunt still in hand.

"Yup." Harry answered. He straightened his torn denim jacket like a big shot lawyer and looked around. "We're the fuckin saviors to Pot Smoking World."

"Well, dats a'ight, little fellas. Lets gitcha all suited up. Shit son."

The pot smoking black man herded the children and Don over to the left wall in the back, through a door, and up a flight of stairs. "Dis where all da gud shitz is." He told them.

In the room was nothing more then a large black bag sprawled across the stone floor. It looked empty.

Shorty picked up the large saggy sack…(hee hee) and reached inside. "To Harry Pothead, I give a 1927 tommy gun."

"Shit man, that's cool."

"Al Capone used it several times." He commented.

"Check it out bitches, Al Capone's machine gun."

Shorty reached into the black sack again, this time pulling out a large bazooka. "This is for Hermione."

Hermione held up her hand and replied, "That's ok, I have a personal weapon of choice right here." She pointed to her crotch.

"What are you gona do, Hermione, fuck the blunt man to death?" Harry bitched at the girl.

Hermione said nothing, only pulled down her panties and revealed her Octo-pussy. Several long green and slimy tentacles shot out from her crotch.

The Don looked around, embarrassed. Scratching his head he slowly commented, "How did I miss that?" Harry turned to him and replied, "How could _I _miss that. You only fucked her once."

"I can hide it." She told the boys. "This is my secret weapon. I never been raped because of this."

"I didn't know you could rape the willing." Kenny added. Everyone laughed.

"Yeah, um, my mom says you're a slut." Cartman said holding a police baton.

"Haha, Cartman, your mom is the biggest slut ever." Kyle laughed.

"Seriously you guys, Stop callin' my mom a slut, Seriously, ok? DAMNIT RESPECT MY AUTHORITAL!" Cartmen yelled.

"You know Cartman, I've see your mom on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine…several times actually." B. Randon commented.

"Hey. You shut your fat mouth. Don't make me use my Authorital on you." Cartman replied matter of factly.

"No one likes Cartman with Authorital." Stan yelled.

"Everybody, seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU ALL CAN BURN IN HELL, YOU WEAK….. LITTLE…… PUSSIES. SERIOUSLY." Cartman Screamed.

Hermione stuck her tongue out at Cartman who opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by the Don. "Don't make me get Dumbledork down here to separate you all. Shorty, please continue distributing the weapons."

"Awwwright, um, Towelie, you can have dis…" Shorty handed Towelie a blunt. "Smoke this Popeye Spinach enhanced blunt an' ya will have da strength to fight da blunt man, Smoke dope, an' save all ya all friends from any shit they may find themselves in. a'ight?"

"I have no idea what's goin' on."


End file.
